Harry and Every Flavor Bean
by Marmalade Fever
Summary: Voldemort's newest plan for tormenting Harry includes... Well, see the title. Voldemort even sings. Warning, contains gross bean flavors.


Harry and Every Flavor Bean  
  
By Marmalade Fever  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, etc. Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans belong to the same people as well as to the Jelly Belly corporation.  
  
Voldemort laughed cruelly from his perch at the railing of an observation deck. He was in a large room in which Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans were made. Below him were billions, if not trillions, of cauldrons, each with a different flavor of bean. This was his ingenious plan, hatched years ago after discovering a bile-flavored bean at the age of nine. Every flavor bean, from aardvark saliva to essence of zombie, were below him. His enemy had been brought here. The boy, Harry Potter, was to eat his way through the room...one of each. This was the ultimate torture, more cruel even than the cruciatus curse. Before long, the boy would be begging for death.  
  
"The boy," Voldemort said, "bring him from the tour, at once!" Somewhere within the building a man named Bertie Bott, under the imperius curse, complied.  
  
"Harry Potter," he said, "would you like to come with me? You are so very special, and wonderful, and great, I would like to reward you with a private tour only given to the very few."  
  
"Er," said Harry. "Sure, why not? Thanks Mr. Bott!" He followed the elderly man who was sporting a pair of bright red socks below the hem of his robes. They entered a large room with many, many beans.  
  
"This room," said Mr. Bott, locking the door, "holds every flavor bean, even a Dark Lord flavored one, except that it isn't a bean, it's actually him..." The man's voice drifted off, obviously confused. Harry looked up and jumped so high, he hit his head on a swinging sign above him.  
  
"Voldemort!" Harry gasped.  
  
"Hello Harry... I hope you didn't have a big breakfast," the Dark Lord said, grinning. He picked up his wand and a bean came shooting into Harry's mouth. He instantly started sputtering.  
  
"Aah! Lead paint!" said Harry. The bean, however, refused to leave his mouth and he was forced to swallow.  
  
"You are free to leave, Harry," said the ugly man behind the railing.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.  
  
"As soon as you have sampled every single flavor of bean, that is."  
  
"Oh, no!"  
  
"Here, have a pill bug flavored one, they're crunchy!" said Mr. Bott from Harry's left.  
  
Harry gagged but swallowed.  
  
"Suck it up Harry, it's only candy!" Voldemort said, smiling.  
  
"Candy my foot!" said a vehement Harry, and a bean flew into his mouth. "Horseradish!"  
  
"If you would, Mr. Bott?"  
  
"Certainly," said the man, and he began lining up a procession of beans to go into Harry's mouth. Harry clamped his hands over his mouth but only found that this caused the beans to fly through his nostrils instead. Harry coughed and a dill pickle flavored bean wiggled its way into his mouth. Meanwhile, Voldemort had started singing a sardonic song.  
  
"Fly, bogey, chocolate, coal, marshmallow, biscuit, tooth, red dye number 40, spello tape, cotton swab, demin pants, and much much more! Have a little bit o' this, a bit o' that, and don't forget your cousin's cat! Treacle, button, post-it note, ink, corndog, marmalade, flobberworm, dragon earwax, pine tree sap, water, gunpowder, gillyweed, and much much more! Have a little bit of this, a bit o' that, and don't forget a vampire bat!" The song went on and on with innumerable verses. Harry found bean after bean flying into his mouth from used tissue flavor to bungee cord.  
  
"...Cabbage, partridge, crabapple, foot, gobstone, artificial banana flavoring..." Would the song ever end? The belt around Harry's middle was tightening, but still there were over 99% more flavors to come.  
  
"...And much, much more!"  
  
Harry's tongue was a shade of brown and tasted terrible. Did he dare ask for water? He was so thirsty.  
  
"...Boggart, band-aid, Severus Snape, kohlrabi, armchair..."  
  
Harry had sunk to the ground and felt very nauseous, but the beans inside of him refused to come back up. He hiccupped but the beans just kept coming.  
  
"...And don't forget an animagus rat!"  
  
Beans were flying from all directions. If only Harry had his wand. Drat. Why did he have to choose today, of all days, to have it cleaned?  
  
"...Pumpkin bug, cranberry, fox tongue, buffalo, gumdrop, bumblebee--"  
  
At the word "bumblebee" Albus Dumbledore suddenly appeared in the room with a crack.  
  
"Have a field trip to Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean factory I said... Oh bother..."  
  
"Professor!" Harry said, between swallows. "Help!"  
  
Dumbledore lifted his wand and produced a bubble around Harry's head. The beans bounced off but kept going back with added agility.  
  
"Phew!" Harry said, hiccupping and collapsing on the floor, massaging his poor stomach.  
  
"Phooey!" Voldemort spat, looking close to tears. "You always spoil my fun!"  
  
"You never play fair!"  
  
Voldemort stuck out his tongue and disapparated. Bertie Bott, who had still been directing beans toward Harry, suddenly snapped out of it.  
  
"Huh? What? Where?" he asked, finding himself in a room with two of the most famous wizards alive, not aware that a third had been there only a second before. Beans clattered to the floor. "What are we doing in the bean room and why is Harry Potter looking so ghastly ill?"  
  
Harry was blinking in an odd sort of way and was looking very pale.  
  
"All will be explained to you later, but for now, we need to get Harry back to Hogwarts. He has a very bad stomach ache if I'm not mistaken.  
  
Bertie Bott started counting. "That was 40 galleons worth of beans!"  
  
"Bill Lord Voldemort," Dumbledore said simply, helping Harry out of the room on wobbily feet.  
  
Bertie Bott flinched horribly. "Bill him? No, sir, that would never do. He hasn't paid me a knut for his candy consumption since he came to power... and boy, does he have a sweet tooth!" He was now alone in the room, but not for long. A second later Voldemort appeared again. He picked up a cauldron labeled liver and onion, winked, and disapparated.  
  
The End  
  
A.N.: Hmm... I hope that was funny. I hope I didn't gross anyone out too much. Please, please, please review! 


End file.
